The following is based on a true story. Any resemblance to what is today happening on the Internet is, sadly, a figment of my own personal acquired skill .

I found myself returning to the office at 9:50 p.m. I walked to my office door. I placed the key in the keyhole. It would not turn. After several tries, I peeked through the blinds.

Everything was gone! My furniture. My computer. My files. Even my family photos.

I called my landlord. "Hold the line a moment," he said. "Aha, heres the problem. We are just moving your office to a new floor. It should be another hour."

"What?!" I cried. "Youre moving me without even letting me understand ? What about my business? I automatically process orders from around the world 24 hours a day."

I felt sick. I went home to get some sleep.

I was up at 5:30 a.m. After taming the growling beasts in my stomach, I rushed to work.

No office. I checked every floor. It was still missing in action. By 10:00 a.m., I was able to reach my landlord.

"Yes, weve moved it to another floor. It usually takes a day to get everything set up. It should be ready for you sometime later today."

"But its MY business," I protested.

"Check back later."

When I got home, a communication from my landlord was standing around for me: "The agent you spoke with was not aware that your office has been sanctioned for junk mail abuse. Please email our abuse department for further details."

I dialed immediately.

"Hello, billing department."

"Is this the abuse department?" I asked.

"Let me check your document ." After a few minutes, Billing Lady returned. "It seems our courier provider told us to shut you down for sending junk mail."

"But I dont send junk mail," I protested.

"I am sure you did."

"Can I see the proof, please?"

"Sorry, we dont have a copy."

"Can I please speak with someone in your abuse department?"

"Sorry, I can not connect you. You have to email them," she replied. "They dont even have telephones. Imagine the abuse they would take if they did?"

Really? I could not imagine why. I emailed the abuse department. It took them just 35 minutes to inform me that they would respond to my e mail within 24 hours. Weeks later, I still have not heard back from them.

I headed to the bar and grill across the street to tame, once again, those growling beasts in my stomach.

"Would you believe my business just got shut down for sending junk mail I did not even send?" I asked of the customer next to me.

"Do not I know it? I used to be a spam cop. We shut websites down all the time for sending unsolicited e-mail. We never bothered checking if the complaints we are legit. Didnt last long, though," he moaned.

"Why not?"

"One day I walked into my boss office and spoke to him."

"So?"

"It was unsolicited. I was fired on the spot. By the instant I got back, there was a photocopy machine where my desk used to be."

"So where do you work now?"

"Nowhere. How may anybody find a job if they can not send an unsolicited resume."

"But doesnt every exchange start with an unsolicited communication ," I asked.

"Welcome to the post-Internet world. The greatest communications tool of all instant ended communications forever."

"But what might we do about it?" I wanted to know.

"I dont know about you," he said as he slipped into his jacket. "But Im off to the freedom-of-speech bureau to report an unsolicited conversation. They should be here soon to staple your mouth shut."

David Leonhardt is The Happy Guy, and author of "Do not Get Banned By The Search Engines": http://thehappyguy.com/SEO.html . Visit his web page at http://TheHappyGuy.com .